We’ve all been there. I thought this article had some important tools for getting the most out of your communications.. Even when the moment's got you feeling less than calm,grounded and loving..

Turning those old behaviors that left you with lemons and too much lemonade into a whole new way of living in self wellness moving into the light shining brightly knowing all is well with your words,your life and your soul.
 Enjoy Sarah's words to live by.. Heartsmiles~ Mark


 by Sarah Ogden is a Staff Writer for Everyday Feminism.

We get shocking news and before we have time to take a breath, we react. We scream, we yell, we say something that we don’t mean.

There isn’t a person on this planet who can say that they have never acted on pure emotion when it may have been more appropriate to act reasonably and rationally.

Now, this isn’t to say that emotional responses are bad. In fact, I believe that our emotions are our most powerful source of knowledge and truth.

However, it doesn’t always work in our favor to respond to a situation based purely on our emotions.
We have to think reasonably about the space we’re in and whose feelings are also involved in the situation.
It’s usually most productive to take a deep breath and to calm down before reacting.

But that takes a certain skill set that most of us haven’t yet mastered.
Here are a few helpful acronyms to remember and to practice as we find the best ways to handle our emotions.

1. Open The Front Door:

I am Observing, Thinking, Feeling, Desiring
This one is great to use in conflicts. I have used this tool in arguments with my friends, family, and co-workers. It can be as personal or as distanced as you need it to be, depending on the situation.
Before using this one, we have to understand the difference between thoughts and feelings.

Thoughts, also known as cognitions, are ideas that we have about particular situations or stimuli. “I think that’s unfair” or “I think I screwed up” are two examples of thoughts.
Emotions are different, and can be summed up into a few categories: sad, glad, mad, scared, and ashamed.
A lot of folks get the two confused, but the distinction is important for this tool.

Here’s how Open The Front Door works:

• Observing: First, say what you physically, literally see. “I can see that you’re mad” doesn’t work in this situation because that’s only a speculation based on what you see, and it’s not necessarily what the other person is trying to express. Instead try, “I can see that you’re tapping your fingers and holding your breath.” This tells the person that you are present in the moment and that you are tuned in to what is going on.

• Thinking: Next, say what you think about what you see. “I think that means that you’re mad, and I think that you have every right to feel that way” is great.

• Feeling: After that comes how you feel. “I feel hurt that you’ve closed your mind to what I’m trying to say.”

• Desiring: Finally, state your desire or what you want to change. “I want to be able to speak without interruption.”

All together, it goes like this: “I can see that you’re tapping your fingers and holding your breath. I think that means that you’re mad, and I think that you have every right to feel that way. I feel hurt that you’ve closed your mind to what I’m trying to say, and I want to be able to speak without interruption.”
I don’t know about you, but I often want to handle conflicts by calling the other person a rude name and storming off.
That has not gotten me anywhere – ever.
Open The Front Door is a much healthier alternative.
You can (and probably will) use this tool multiple times in the course of a single conversation.
Ideally, each person should speak using this tool. Using “I” statements and taking ownership of our own thoughts, feelings, and desires is especially important in handling conflicts responsibly and thoughtfully.

2. IMPROVE the moment:

Imagery, Meaning, Prayer, Relaxation, One thing at a time, Vacation, Encouragement
IMPROVE is a fantastic tool for de-escalating situations that feel like they may turn into (or already are) crisis level.
When someone hits you with terrible news and you feel like you’re going to snap, take a moment, and use this acronym to ground yourself before responding.
The beauty of this tool in particular is that it happens over time. Some elements are meant to be done in the moment, and some are for you to come back to after the dust has settled.
It might seem weird to the other person if you close your eyes for 30 seconds, but if it helps you to maintain your cool, it’s worth it.

• Imagery: Go to your happy place. Seriously. Imagine an ocean or a field of wildflowers. Take a deep breath and breathe in the smell of the sea or the crispness in the air.

• Meaning: Make meaning of what is happening. This one may take time. Try to remember that everything is an opportunity for growth and personal improvement. I know it’s easy to forget, especially in the heat of the moment, but try to remember to come back to it if you can’t process it in the moment.

• Prayer: Obviously, this means something different for everyone. Prayer may mean something very traditional to one person, or it may mean asking the energy of the earth to guide someone else through a difficult time. Whatever prayer means to you, find a way to use it as a tool in difficult situations.

• Relaxation: This is so important! Remind yourself to relax after the dust has settled.

• One thing at a time: Reiterate to yourself and to everyone else that you can only do one thing at a time. You can’t take on 50 new projects at work, you can’t juggle all of your friend’s drama with your own, you can’t play on 6 different sports teams. In order to be truly present and authentic, you have to focus on one thing at a time. Give yourself permission to do that, even though our fast paced world tells you otherwise.

• Vacation: Plan a vacation. Imagine your upcoming vacation. Take a vacation. Do all or any combination of the three. Remember, a vacation can mean a 3-week Caribbean cruise or it can mean a day in a neighborhood park. What’s important is that you turn your phone off, close your agenda book, and be present in whatever way you choose to vacation.

• Encouragement: This one is easy. Encourage yourself to stay calm and to handle the situation the best way you can. You can do it and you know you can.

3. PLEASE care for your body to care for your emotions:

Physical health, Loving energy, Exercise, Avoid drugs, Sleep, Eat
You know what it’s like when your body feels too run down to function? When you can hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone juggle all of the responsibilities that everyone depends on you for?
We all do. Before we can show up to our lives emotionally, we have to show up physically. That’s what this tool addresses.
Caring for our bodies is an incredibly important piece of emotional regulation that we often overlook.
It ties into what we already know about self care: our minds, hearts, and souls can’t be well if our bodies aren’t.
We are complex machines and each part of us needs to run well in order for us to be healthy.

• Physical health: Stay on top of doctor’s appointments, take your vitamins, and treat your body with the kindness it deserves.

• Loving energy: This one sounds silly. What makes you feel energized and excited? What makes your heart sing? Find a way to work this into your routine, and stick with it. Your body will thank you.

• Exercise: It’s good for your mind and body. It releases endorphins, helps to facilitate sleep, and is often fun!

• Avoid drugs: I know you’ve heard this from your seventh grade gym teacher, but it’s real. Drugs aren’t great for your body, and they are definitely not great for your mind. We need to practice moderation (and safety!) at the very least, but abstinence is best.Who has ever woken up from a night of heavy drinking and felt great? Who has ever smoked weed to prepare for an exam? No one. And there’s a reason for that.

• Sleep: Seven to nine hours, every night, no excuses. Your mind and your body both need this. Find a way to make it work. It just has to.

• Eat: Your body needs nourishment to function. Fill your body with the nutrition that it needs to do all of the amazing things that it does for you.

Remembering to do any or all of these tools can be difficult, especially because they’re new. You can create a reminder for yourself like a small note with the acronyms on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator.
When you’re upset, you can use the time to find the note to take a few breaths and ground yourself too.
These are just some ways to handle difficult moments.

 Do you find them helpful? In what other ways do you deal with conflict and stress?

 Please share below!


Sarah Ogden is a Staff Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a graduate student in Social Work at the University of Pennsylvania, where she is focusing on clinical work with survivors of trauma, works at a domestic violence agency as a therapist intern, and volunteers as an abortion and pregnancy loss doula. Previously, she’s worked for a suicide and rape crisis hotline and as an emergency room advocate for survivors of sexual assault. Follow her on Twitter @xsogden.

 

GET HAPPY~ it's up to you and you alone.
These tips are amazing and from
http://www.purposefairy.com


1. LOVE vs. FEAR. Well, I can tell you for sure that those people who are really happy, FEAR less and LOVE a lot more. They see each moment, each challenge, each person as an opportunity to discover more about themselves and the world around them.

2. ACCEPTANCE vs. RESISTANCE.  Happy people understand that you can’t really change a situation by resisting it, but you can definitely change it by accepting that it is there and by understanding that there might be a reason for its existence. When something unpleasant happens to them, they don’t try to fight it, knowing that this will make the situation even worse, but rather, they ask themselves questions like: What can I learn from this? How can I make this better? and they go from there, focusing on the positive rather than on the negative. They always seem to see the glass half full no matter what happens to them.

3. FORGIVENESS vs. UNFORGIVENESS. Really happy people know that it’s not healthy to hold on to anger. They choose to FORGIVE and FORGET, understanding that FORGIVENESS is  a gift they give to themselves first and foremost.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”Buddha

4. TRUST vs. DOUBT. They trust themselves and they trust the people around them. No matter if they talk to the cleaning lady or the C.E.O. of a multi billion company, somehow they always seem make the person they are interacting with feel like there is something unique and special about them.

They understand that beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies, and because of that, they make sure to treat everybody with love, dignity and respect, making no distinctions between age, sex, social status, color, religion or race. These are the great men that Mark Twain was talking about: “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

5. MEANING vs. AMBITION.  They do the things they do because of the meaning it brings into their lives and because they get a sense of purpose by doing so. They understand that “Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life” like Wayne Dyer puts it, and they care more about living a life full of meaning rather than, what in our modern society we would call, living a successful life.

The irony here is that most of the time they get both, success and meaning, just because they choose to focus on doing the things they love the most and they always pursue their heart desires. They are not motivated by money; they want to make a difference in the lives of those around them and in the world.

6. PRAISING vs. CRITICIZING. Happy people would probably agree with Carl’s Jung theory on resistance: “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size”. They don’t criticize the absence of the behavior they want to reinforce, but rather, every time the behavior is present, even if it’s not that often, they know that by praising the person and the behavior, they will actually reinforce the positive behavior.

When a parent wants to make sure that his 7 years old boy will learn to always put the toys back in the box after he’s done playing with them, he will make sure not to focus on the many times the child won’t do it, criticizing him and his behavior, but rather, every time the little boy does put the toys back, the parent will praise him and his behavior and that is exactly how he will reinforce the positive behavior, and in the end geting the wanted results.

7. CHALLENGES vs. PROBLEMS. Happy people will see PROBLEMS as CHALLENGES, as opportunities to explore new ways of doing things, expressing their gratitude for them, understanding that underneath them all lies many opportunities that will allow them to expand and to grow.

8. SELFISHNESS vs. SELFLESSNESS. They do what they do not for themselves, but for the good of others, making sure that they bring meaning, empowerment and happiness in the lives of many. They look for ways to give and to share the best of themselves with the world and to make other people happy.

 ”Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving, the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given, the mind of the giver is uplifted.”Buddha

9. ABUNDANCE vs. LACK/POVERTY. They have an abundant mindset living a balanced life, achieving abundance in all areas of life.

10. DREAMING BIG vs. BEING REALISTIC. These people don’t really care about being realistic. They love and dare to dream big, they always listen to their heart and intuition and the greatness of their accomplishments scares many of us.

“Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.” Goethe

11. KINDNESS vs. CRUELTY. They are kind to themselves and others and they understand the power of self love, self forgiveness and self acceptance.

12. GRATITUDE vs. INGRATITUDE. No no matter where they look, no matter where they are or with who, they have this capacity of seeing beauty where most of us would only see ugliness, opportunities, where most of us would only see struggles, abundance where most of us would only see lack and they express their gratitude for them all.

13. PRESENCE/ ENGAGEMENT vs. DISENGAGEMENT. They know how to live in the present moment, appreciating what they have and where they are, while still having big dreams about the future.

“When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it. The mind in itself is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek your self in it and mistake it for who you are.” Eckhart Tolle

14. POSITIVITY vs. NEGATIVITY. No matter what happens to them, they always seem to keep a positive perspective on everything and by doing so, they tend irritate a lot of negative and “realistic” people.

15. BLAMING vs. TAKING RESPONSIBILITY. They take full ownership over their lives and they rarely use excuses. Happy people understand that the moment you choose to blame some outside forces for whatever it is that happens to you, you are in fact giving all your power away, and they choose to keep the power for themselves and taking responsibility for everything that happens to them.